Months have passed without a word. Not a word from me. It is not as if I had nothing to say. Nothing to write. It wasn’t that I was feeling “No Thing.” I decided to retire some months ago. About the time I stopped posting. The blog became a source of embarrassment and shame, despite how few read it. The writing feels self serving and more for me than anyone else.
I wrote early in this blog that for as much as things change, they remain the same. I wrote that I wanted to share some humanity in the uniform. I envisioned that perhaps someone would read a piece and recognize that we aren’t the robotic, racist, emotionless killers that we have come to be known… or at least I am not.
For as much as things change, they do remain the same…That may be true of many aspects of the work, the culture and humanity itself.
I have gone through my writing – the piles of papers, the notebooks and the napkins. The truth is that I have changed. Forever changed. Some for better and some for worse. It hasn’t all been because of policing. It’s the whole me.
I told myself years and years ago that I would leave before I didn’t recognize myself anymore. Some days I fear that I waited too long.